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Learner Experiences

“This course has made a huge difference in my life. I’m much more present with my feelings and needs - and I learned that this is the basis of a beautiful connection with myself and others.” —Gayatri Erlandson, Ph.D

The Compassionate Communication Model
Is Both An Easy And Challenging Model To Learn

Sound confusing? Stay with me here and I'll explain. The Compassionate Communication model is based upon the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. and is truly unique on many fronts. The basic steps in the model are:

  1. Express an evaluation-free Observation of what someone said or did.

  2. Express what you are Feeling about what happened.

  3. Express the Need/Want associated with the feeling.

  4. Express an effective Request.

This is simple enough to understand, right? That's the easy part.

I've found that people don't really have a hard time understanding the basic steps of the model. It's when they try to apply it to their life in real-life situations the challenging part comes.

The reason it is challenging is because we are taught to communicate and have deeply ingrained habits that come into conflict with the new way of communicating. This is exactly why I offer this experiential course with lots of practice. Typically we tend to:

  1. Express a judgmental evaluation of what happened instead of a pure evaluation-free observation which stimulates the other person to respond with judgments.

  2. Either suppress feelings or, when expressing them, expressing thoughts/judgments mistaken for feelings (e.g. "I feel manipulated" is really a judgment disguise as feeling).

  3. Either not connect with our own needs/wants or we express them in a way that does not take responsibility or ownership of them.

  4. Either not expressing a request or doing so in a way that is demanding and not truly a request.

 

How This Communication Model Works?
by Jerry Donoghue

What's alive in you right now?

That is, what are you feeling and needing right now? You might say, "hey, I'm just checking out this website, I'm not really feeling or needing anything."

Maybe or maybe not.

Could it be you're feeling curious and want to understand what this site is all about? If so, your feeling of curiosity and your wanting to know about this site, is what is alive in you now.

Or perhaps you are feeling frustrated, overwhelmed or desperate with a communication challenge you're facing (or have recently faced) and you're needing clarity about how to meet this challenge? You might even have feelings of hope that the information in this site might meet your need for resolution? If so, that is what is alive in you right now.

Or still another possibility is you are feeling concerned about a dear friend and want to check out solutions for the friend because you want to contribute to the well-being of your friend.

You might say, "What's the big deal, aren't you just pointing out the obvious? What value is there in connecting to feelings and needs that are occurring now when looking at a website?"

Well, connecting with what you are feeling and needing, even with something as simple as checking out a website, is valuable because it helps you gain clarity by giving you specific information to use to act and make decisions (connect with yourself). For example, if you are clear you are wanting information to help you with a communication challenge you're feeling anxious about, and you see this site provides support for such challenge, then your need for learning will be met and you'll stay and look around.

But the greater value in connecting to what is alive in you now is that I am attempting to demonstrate the communication model in action so that you might get a taste of the potential power and usefulness of the model when using it to authentically connect with yourself and other people. The model can be used in conflict resolution or to deepen authentic connections with love ones. It has the power to rescue relationships and to take already solid relationships to deeper levels of intimacy.

When you connect with what is alive in you (what you are feeling and needing) and what is alive in others, you will be communicating in ways where your needs and the needs of the other person are more likely to be met.

There is something magical that happens when two people connect in this way. Often the tension caused by blaming judgments and demands instantly melt and a shift occurs in both people. Out of this deep connection, there is a spontaneous willingness to find a way where both people's needs will be met. This is a natural consequence of this type of open-hearted and authentic communication.

I can write about it forever, but until you experience this deep empathetic connection, I fear my words will not be understood. So I invite you to explore this powerful communication model further with the understanding that it has to be experienced to fully appreciate it's power.