One-Day Intensive Workshops

Spend a day connecting deeply and authentically with yourself and others!

I’m excited about the prospect of coming together with you all in a mutually supportive environment because I think we can all contribute to each other deeply. In my experience, the most powerful shifts or transformative experiences occur in relationship or community. Now that we all have a common language to connect to ourselves and others, I say let's roll up our sleeves and do some powerful personal growth work together. The intensive runs from 8-12 hours and is $99. To register...

Below is a paper about doing group work:

How To Get The Most Out Of Your Personal Growth NVC Intensive

by Jerry Donoghue

Below are some of insights I'd like to share with you that I've gained over the years regarding doing personal growth work from the perspective of participant, assistant facilitator and facilitator. My wish is that these NOT be taken as prescriptions for you to follow in the sense that "you should or shouldn't be doing this or that," but as something for you to consider, to try on to see if it is meaningful for you. Whether you do personal growth work with me or others, I hope these inspire you to go deeper into finding the meaning and peace you may want in life as you venture in this great journey.

Gaining Clarity About Your Intentions To Improve, Can Make The
Difference In Whether You Create A Shift Or Spin Around Yourself

One of the things I have found tremendously important is to connect with the context in or energy with which I attempt to cultivate improvements. Am I trying to improve myself from an energy of dissatisfaction or non approval of myself, or am I doing so with an energy of acceptance and nurturance? For me, it is important to discern the difference and to connect with which energy that is present when doing any group work. It has made all the difference in whether something shifted or whether I spun around myself. Let me explain further.

In NVC terms, this same dilemma would be questioned as: Are the inner jackal voices the motivation for wanting to improve, or am I connecting to my feelings/needs and using that as motivation? If the inner jackal voices co-opt your self improvement intentions, I’ve found this amounts to chasing one's tail. There is no amount of effort that will cultivate improvements because you're on the playing field of the inner jackal voices that are reinforcing in one way or another, "you're not good enough or something is wrong with you."

Acting out of this inner jackal context, you believe its criticisms and judgments. Your decision to make improvements could be your defensive reaction to the jackal voices whispering your unworthiness in your ear or could be you absorbing these criticisms and feeling awful and wanting to feel better. The way this plays out is every effort you make reinforces the original judgment made by the inner jackal and you stay in a judgment loop. The more effort you put into self improvement the more elusive such improvements become.

For example, take the general intention of wanting to improve my communication skills. I can go to a workshop because I have judgments about myself: "I really suck at communication and want to get better." Deeply implied or embedded in such self-judgments can be the belief that I am not good enough/something wrong with me, that on some level I-as-a person suck because my communication does." Contrast this with connecting with yourself in NVC terms: "When I see myself making judgments of my wife more than I would like, I feel disappointed and disheartened because I'm wanting to cultivate a different quality of connection that allows more peace, intimacy, and companionship. Jerry are you willing to agree to take a workshop, go to a practice group to make the improvements?” Expressing intentions in NVC terms cuts right through the judgment loop and creates possibilities for lasting shifts to occur.

As you can see, we can spend years and lots of money on workshops and books which could end up reinforcing inner jackal judgments. My wish for you is that you take the time to gain clarity about your intentions for doing self improvement work and to translate any intentions expressed as inner judgments into need-based NVC expressions complete with a request.

How Do You Show Up In A Group?

Since groups (families, circle of friends, coworkers, etc.) are usually the significant contributors to many of our hurts and pains centered around love and self acceptance, it makes sense that healing this pain and cultivating the love and self acceptance we want can be done effectively and experientially in community.

Doing personal growth work in a group is a wonderful opportunity for doing deep work. Why? I've found that how I show up in a group is very revealing. It naturally exposes or discloses important information about me if I can tune into it.

For example, if I notice I'm scared or anxious, or maybe shut down, then this is important information about my wanting safety. Or maybe I notice my behavior of being standoffish in a group by physically positioning myself outside the circle or going off by myself during breaks. Then THIS can be a clue about my safety needs and associated fears.

This can be tracked and explored as it occurs: Maybe as I explore and make space for these feelings and needs about my relationship with groups, things from the past flash to the present. This is an opportunity to go deeper. Perhaps I connect with an old wound from the past where a peer group was cruel to me and cast me out of their group. Now I see that staying separate from a group becomes a strategy I developed to protect myself from the deep pain and wanting safety. This strategy, however, amounts to throwing the baby out with the bath water. There are more useful strategies to get my need for safety met other than not joining in with the group.

Or how about when I notice I'm wanting to flash my brilliance to the group by articulating my "evolved awareness" so I can be perceived by others as brilliant and get acceptance from others, (which ultimately allows me to accept myself). Is this the strategy I employed in my family to get the attention and the love I wanted?

Or maybe I take on the role of the helper in the group where I want to help everyone and hide behind helping others. Or maybe I want to dominate the group by speaking up and taking over to meet my needs. Or maybe I stay silent to prove to myself I am secure and don't need to speak up? Or maybe I want to do everything perfectly in the group and I’m terrified to make a mistake to avoid feeling humiliated or shame? To be clear, I don't mention these possible themes as an invitation for us to analyze each other, but as a way to connect with energies that may arise in ourselves in groups. They are all strategies with feelings/needs driving them.

And they don’t have to be all fear based. Maybe at one time you had fears in groups but now you notice you show up confident and open in a group. Then this is great feedback for yourself to celebrate by expressing self appreciation or meeting needs for connection, openness, etc.

I consider these edges we can work on in the group environment. The next time you’re in a group, notice how you relate to the group, physically, verbally, energetically, and emotionally. Connect with the feelings and needs and see if there is something important for you in this awareness.

The Power Of Doing Personal Growth Work In Groups And Working In The Present

Quite literally, you could sit quiet in an experiential workshop group for the entire day and vicariously receive insights, breakthroughs, and inspiration just by experiencing others doing work or sharing. That's the beauty of working in a group. We all have similar challenges and pain, triumphs and things to celebrate. This commonality is leveraged in a group situation.
If someone is expressing some deep pain or joy and begins to cry or experience exalted feelings, a sympathetic resonance could occur in you by stimulating you own pain or joy and you begin to weep or feel deep gratitude. The person speaking up gave you the gift of connecting to your pain or joy in that moment.

At any given time during a group workshop ask yourself what is alive in you?

Maybe your reaction is to numb out and shut down when you hear another person's pain or joy, well then, this is what is alive in you. Connecting to this reaction is useful in the sense that you know what your automatic response will be to others’ pain or joy, or more importantly, you own pain or joy.

Maybe what’s alive in you is an urge to fix someone who is expressing some problem they have. Before speaking up, maybe you could connect with what need of yours is being met by wanting to fix someone else's problem?

Maybe you're feeling bored and need stimulation. Maybe there is a long period of silence that prevails and you feel uncomfortable and want you or someone to fill the silence. Tracking whatever is happening in the present with you is useful and revealing.

Another important gift that someone can give you is to trigger you (not purposely) in some way. When this happens, it gives us an opportunity to connect with our own shadow material or to express our feelings and needs and connect with the other person’s feelings/needs. If you find yourself getting triggered by someone in a group situation, rather than sit back and convince yourself that it is not nice to speak up and name what is happening, go ahead and dive in. I think you’ll find it insightful.

How Do You Relate To The Facilitator?

Another important area I found useful to track is my beliefs, attitudes and reactions towards the facilitator or teacher in personal growth workshops. These can be very revealing as well and a rich source to connect with deep feelings and needs.

Do you expect perfection of the facilitator? Do you put the facilitator up on a pedestal thereby setting him/her up to later be cast into hell when not living up to your expectations? Maybe you take everything the facilitator says as gospel truth and defer your own inner authority? How about being antagonistic and critical with the facilitator, is that you approach? Or maybe you try schmoozing the facilitator and gain his/her approval? Or maybe you see yourself becoming compliant? There are many possibilities in how we react to authorities. Many feelings and needs can be stimulated.

I’ve also noticed the relationship I had with authorities often mirrored the relationship with parents. Specifically, any unresolved issues I had with my parents were projected on an authority and would play out in that relationship. For example, if my need for appreciation and acknowledgment wasn’t met by my parents, then this same scenario would be enacted with a workshop authority. I would do or say things that would invariably put me in a position where my need for appreciation was not being met and deep hurt feelings would arise.

In terms of NVC work, connecting to this re-enactment on a need-based level as it occurs can be very liberating. The external need for appreciation or acknowledgment can be connected to the lack of self-appreciation and acknowledgment. Requests/strategies can then be made to get those needs met.

Maybe there is no major parental wound that plays out, but simply a need to practice holding your power and inner authority when there is an external authority. The question becomes: how can you engage some authority who has a certain expertise without giving up your own authority? Put another way, how can you own the knowledge and wisdom being imparted or facilitated?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope these points I raised were inspiring to you in a way where you can maximize the next personal growth workshop or seminar you attend. Some of my most profound insights and breakthroughs happened in group environments. My wish is that you use your awareness and NVC skills to foster a deeper connection with yourself and others and to dance freely in the moment as you are moved along by the winds of compassion that spontaneously arise.